I truly believe Liz is with me, and those that knew her, every single day. Maybe it’s the thought of her, or a picture, when Tom Petty comes on, or even a butterfly that crosses my path..but there’s 2 times of the year I feel her presence the most and I find my mind racing. Around the time she passed away, and her birthday.

June 4th, 1994. The earth received an angel that day. And how lucky am I (are we) to have known her? To hear her laugh, to call her a friend, to go out and celebrate her birthday with her. To know Liz, was to love Liz and I’ll say it for the rest of my life – I’m so damn lucky to have known her.

Time is such a weird concept. We can’t stop it, we can’t rewind it, all we can do is live through it and embrace it all. But it’s also strange because I’m starting to notice that I’m getting older. A couple wrinkles here and there, a headache after a glass of wine or two. But whenever I think of Liz..well I think of Liz. 20 year old, happy, go-lucky, flawless skin, Liz. In fact, the last time I hung out with Liz was at the end of June in 2014. And even after seeing her in the hospital and at her funeral..that’s how I’ll always think of her. Tan, tiny (also very tiny hands lol) with the longest lashes and the biggest smile on her face. A literal angel on earth.

What keeps me thinking is the unanswered thought of wondering that if she was still on this earth, what would she look like now? What would her life look like going into her last year of her 20’s? Would she be married? Have any kids? What would she be doing on the weekends?

My heart hurts thinking that almost a decade of her life was robbed from her and her mom, Vicky. And sometimes I wonder if others think about these things, too. At times, I even feel guilty that I GET TO grow older, and she doesn’t. Like the past 9 years we were given the ticket to go on this wild rollercoaster of the next decade of our lives and she wasn’t.

Because of Liz I’ve learned that time, aging, this life thing that we’re all doing at this exact moment..it’s a gift. It is a ticket that we, unfortunately, do not all receive. So throw your hands up, scream at the top of your lungs, cry at the top, laugh at the bottom and LIVE.

These days when I think of you, I thank you. I do my best to honor you. And today, and every day – we celebrate you. Another year to have known you and love you. Happy 29th Birthday, Liz.

2020 was truly one of the toughest, weirdest years – and with the year coming to a close, it’s so easy to leave it behind, and only look ahead at what’s to come.

Like I said, that would be easy. 

I don’t wish a year like 2020 on anyone, but I do feel that with all of the trials we have been put against – moving into 2021 and the years beyond, we will be better for it.

I hope 2020 makes us kinder human beings. I hope it makes us a little more empathetic and understanding. I hope we all appreciate the lives that are placed on this earth while they are still here. I hope we recognize the tiniest day-to-day activities that fill our hearts with joy. The day will come where thousands of people can fill an entire stadium and sing Piano Man at the top of their lungs at a Billy Joel concert. The day will come where we can hop on a plane and enjoy a trip without the dread of getting tested or quarantining. The day will come where we can hug our loved ones so tight without worrying about if we might be unintentionally getting them sick. These beautiful, care free days are coming.

So yes, let’s leave 2020 behind, but let’s not forget when this is all over, how we got here. There is no change without discomfort, and this year has been anything but comfortable.

Personally speaking, I faced my own setbacks this year that I am overcoming. It’s easy to lose sight of your own values and happiness when life isn’t exactly going as you planned. It’s easy to become selfish and take for granted those most important in your life when you feel bad for yourself. It’s far from glamorous, and nothing anyone wants to post on social media, but personal lows have given me a new outlook, and more of an opportunity to become that better version of myself.

I’m changing the narrative. I am not a victim of the year 2020. It may be the opportunist in me – but with this year coming to a close, I am so damn grateful.

Grateful for the opportunity to be better. A better sister, daughter, friend. Grateful for my career. Grateful for my health and the health of loved ones. Grateful for music to get me through and friends to call. Grateful that each day the sun will rise (whether we see it or not). Grateful to step back, take a deep breath, and put it all into perspective.

I encourage anyone reading this to reflect on everything they overcame this year – covid/non-covid related. 

You survived the year 2020. You are a badass.

In a year of Australian bushfires, a basketball legend and his daughter tragically passing, a global pandemic, racial injustice, riots, and wildfires, what are you grateful for?

One week ago I met my best friends from college for lunch. It was rare we were all together and my heart was so full being surrounded by so much love. Sitting across from me my one friend and her fiancé were telling the story of how he proposed, and next to me sat my other friend and her new boyfriend. I was so happy for them and so happy to be with them. But that afternoon leaving lunch I knew I needed to take a next step in my life.

On top of 2020 (no explanation needed) I was also coming off of a heartbreak. It felt like I was pulling myself out of a dark hole each morning hoping that maybe he’d change his mind. I knew I had to get back to me and what would light a spark within myself. I couldn’t wait around to see if things would change. Nothing would change if nothing changed.

That Sunday night I booked a flight to California – a place I had always envisioned myself being but never actually had the chance to stay for more than a few days. I had to create my own opportunities and be my own biggest fan. Set my life on fire and fall back in love with myself. I craved a new beginning and a fresh start. I had nothing to lose.

So here I am.

Some may think I’m good at “running from my problems,” but I don’t think that’s true. I see this as a new beginning that I’m running toward. I think about 6 years ago and how I was going through a different kind of heartbreak. Even though my heart hurt, like it does now, I still got on that 17 hour plane ride to Australia by myself. Months later, I came home with a new perspective. And although I’m still in the process of this, what I’m realizing is that when you can’t change a situation, all you have left to change is your perception of it.

Sometimes you just need to force yourself on the plane..to California, Australia or wherever it may be. Even when it’s uncomfortable. Even when you have no idea what you’re doing. Even when you’d rather be wherever in this world someone else is.

I want to use this platform to share my passion for writing and traveling. I truly enjoy sharing my experiences and perspectives. For anyone who chooses to follow along – I hope you enjoy it, too. I want to inspire others and help encourage anyone else going through a tough time that, like myself, a new beginning is sometimes just a new way of seeing things.

Selfish probably isn’t a word you’d hear my close friends and family use to describe me. But reflecting on the past several years, it’s how I look at the way I’ve lived my life.

I think my selfish years started in college. Sophomore/junior year. After I tore my ACL and was cut from playing basketball..I became unapologetically care free. With my weekends, school work, social life. I was just having fun. Junior year, 2 of my best friends went abroad together to Australia, but I was so persistent on going alone. That was the first time I really remember being selfish. Coming off a really rough semester, I got on a 17 hour plane ride. From Dallas, Texas to Sydney, Australia. Basic economy. Middle seat. between two strangers. I didn’t even blink. I was so excited..nothing phased me.

Not many people know, but that semester abroad my grandma passed away. That was tough. I remember waking up in a hostel with a bunch of text messages and missed calls. It hurt that I couldn’t be there for the services. To support my dad or get any closure. My grandma was hesitant on me going to Australia. She told me before I left that it was just a long time to be that far. I didn’t care, I went. And by the time I was home in May it was all just a memory.

Ever since I was little I was infatuated by the beach. The only beach I had been to before I went to Australia was Wildwood, NJ. The sunshine. The sand. The saltwater. I was obsessed. I would draw pictures of the ocean and tell everyone that one day I was going to live near the most beautiful beaches and never endure another winter again.

After going abroad I spent most of my summer at Ithaca partying with my friends. Fall semester senior year I lived alone in an extended stay in Charlotte, NC and worked my butt off. After that, I enjoyed my last few months of college and about a week after graduating I moved down to Florida. Not many people understood, but I was happy doing my own thing. I really enjoyed working during the day and spending almost every single night at the beach. I was truly living my dream.

I think it’s important to have selfish years. And when I say selfish years I don’t mean losing touch, not answering phone calls. I mean – doing every single thing you want to do and letting no one/thing stop you. When I found cheap flights to LA, I asked my friends and family to come with me but no one could..I went anyways. The following year I did the same thing and planned my own solo trip to Oregon. I looked forward to it. I really have become an expert on being alone.

I have seen hundreds of sunsets. I have driven thousands of miles exploring Florida. I have trained for a handful of marathons. I have taken myself on cross country trips. I have quit 2 jobs. I have moved 4 times.

The sky is always blue. Did you know that? Whether you can see it, or not- the sky doesn’t change its color. Maybe it’s cloudy, maybe it’s snowy and maybe even the sun is blazing down warming your skin. I’m starting to realize it’s all how you look at it. Perspective. I’ve caught myself lately noticing the clouds down in South Florida more and more. Envying the foliage and chilly fall days most of you experience up north.

I have a theory I go back to when I reflect on the past few months, year(s)..and it’s that not every year is a final four year. When I say that I mean – sometimes your life is on absolute fire. I felt that for a while. It’s like for a few years you know you’re headed to the tournament, and other years are your rebuilding years. Maybe you just graduated a few of your best players – and now you’re working with freshmen and sophomores to build their confidence on the court. Those rebuilding years are tough. Not a lot of people notice them. They’re not shown off on social media. They are you working hard in silence. And I’ve come to respect, admire and appreciate more people that keep quiet, than blast their lives on social media.

I miss my family. I really, really do. Not even the holidays- it’s those random Snapchat’s I get on a Tuesday of my siblings together. I miss my best friends. The friends I know that when I’m 80 years old, I’ll still be friends with. I’m lucky they still love me after being gone all these years. I miss my grandparents. And I realize how extremely lucky I have two of them still around.

I know many of you will disagree with me, but one of the biggest lessons my selfish years have taught me is that happiness is not a destination. The past 3.5 years my happiest times involve the moments spent with my loved ones. The memories I’ve created for myself in between are not to discredit – for those have made me who I am. But I’m telling you- nothing, absolutely nothing, is more fulfilling to me than time spent with people that mean the most to me.

It’s been a struggle inside of me coming to terms that my dreams are changing. But instead of feeling like such a failure – why don’t I just own it? I did it. I have lived my dream. My 10 year old self would be so proud of me. I never hesitated, lived this lifestyle to the fullest and enjoyed every second.

---

---

Not many people know this but I wrote the above about 2 months ago and oddly enough I was laid off from my job a few weeks after that. My roommate/coworker/friend and I packed up our apartment and decided to leave Florida. It’s kind of weird how the universe works.

I’m turning 26 in a few days, I was laid off last month, I just moved back to my childhood home and I have no idea what I’m going to do next..but isn’t that the spice of life? How boring would life be if we actually knew how it would pan out? If our lives were one big track. Instead of getting discouraged, I’m doing my best to look at this situation as an opportunity at a fresh start. I’ve conquered my dream of my beach lifestyle. Laid back. Office free. Tan. Glorious sunshine.

It’s time for something new. I’m not sure what that is, or where that may be..but I know it’s coming. And I am actually really grateful to have this time at home during the month of December. Yeah, it’s cold out – but is there really any other place you’d rather be than home with your friends and family during the holidays?

I hope this inspires someone. I hope anyone that is going through their selfish years right now is enjoying every second, and I hope if anyone is hesitant about making that leap goes for it. I promise – you won’t regret it. Being alone and doing things alone, especially as a female, is extremely empowering. And realizing your dreams are changing, and making leaps of faith into unknown territory makes life exciting. It’s tough to embrace your “rebuilding” years, but keep in mind your time in the tournament and final four is coming.

Liz was 20. She was the light of the room, the life of the party. Hearing her laugh in my dreams still gives me the chills. I met Liz in the 7th grade, and as time went by Liz became one of my best friends. I was lucky to have a big group of girlfriends, all of which I called my best friends. But Liz was my closest friend sophomore and junior year of high school. I became close with her family, especially her mom. Her mom would yell at me about boys and alcohol as if I was her own daughter, too. It was a given – every weekend for those 2 years, Liz and I were either going out, sneaking around with boys or just hanging out with her pet hamster. There’s not a day that goes by where Liz doesn’t cross my mind. After 4 years I wanted to finally reflect on October 2014 and how that time has made me who I am.

I was a junior at Ithaca College, studying sport media. I was busy that semester..I had an internship with IMG marketing for Syracuse University football, another internship at a high school in Ithaca, a job on campus, preparing my spring semester abroad and enjoying life as a college student. I was constantly focused on my next step. I was always doing something to fill my resume and gain experience so one day I could get a job in the NBA or a big name company.

Thursday night was the last time I talked to Liz. She had texted me wishing me luck because the next 2 days I was participating in a Ragnar race in the Adirondacks. I ended up running the majority of the miles for my team that weekend and even with barely any sleep I insisted on making it back to Ithaca that Saturday night so I could go out. I’m a firm believer in balance…work hard, play hard mentality.

The weekend past and it was Monday night. It was my first semester living off campus and I had just gotten back from my night class. I was hanging out in my room with my best friend at college, Sherm. We were both single at the time and we were just shooting the shit, complaining about boys and the daily struggles. It’s funny, looking back, it was the last time I had let myself mindlessly complain. Really, my life is divided into 2 different lifetimes – before Liz passed away, and after. Sherm had left my room and I received a call from one of my best high school friends, Korey. She was frantic on the phone asking if I had heard and seen the news. I was so confused, but she told me she was going to send me an article and to call her back right after. I started reading what she had sent and realized I knew the names in the article. Liz, and her mom, Vicky, had gotten into a car accident. A FedEx truck had crossed into oncoming traffic..and hit their car so hard both vehicles ended up in a pond. Both Vicky and the FedEx driver died at the scene. Liz, however, was flown to a hospital in Syracuse in critical condition with severe head trauma.

That night Sherm got me back to Syracuse quicker than any other time I had drove from Ithaca to Syracuse before. She dropped me off at the hospital and I met with all of my best friends from high school. It was rare we were all together at the same time, and I don’t think any of us could believe the reason why we were all together during the late hours of that night.

No words can express how grateful I am to have such good friends on both ends of the spectrum. I will never be able to thank Sherm enough for driving me that night to the hospital to hold Liz’s little hand one last time and to tell her I loved her.

Days went by. Time went by. And I guess that’s how life is. It doesn’t stop for anything. Assignments are still due, expectations are held..and at the same time one of your best friends is unconscious in the hospital fighting for her life.

13 days went by to be exact. I was in Ithaca that weekend..after going back and forth from Ithaca to Syracuse for Vicky’s wake and a vigil for Liz, when I received the call. Liz was no longer with us and I could barely breathe. I was going for a run in the trails behind my house when I got the call and my little sister found me and she hugged me harder than she ever has before.

Olivia, another one of my best friends from high school, picked me up for Liz’s wake. I remember where we parked, I remember how crowded it was. I remember who we saw. I remember specific songs playing in the background. I remember getting in line and seeing pictures of myself and Liz. I remember it was my turn to kneel in front of the open casket..and I remember looking back at Olivia feeling sick to my stomach with tears rolling down my face. Hugging Liz’s dad and the rest of her immediate family. And a day later, I remember the funeral.

Life is short. Life is fragile. Life is unfair.

There was an emptiness in the months that followed that you can’t really explain unless you go through something like that. Most days I felt like I was out of my body. Or like a rain cloud was hanging over my head and it wouldn’t go away. How do you just pick up life where you left off after that? You don’t. After Liz passed away everything changed. Most days I didn’t get through without unexpectedly bursting out crying. I could literally feel my heart hurt for weeks. I found myself skipping class more often than usual, and on Mondays I craved to do something spontaneous. I remember one Monday I randomly skipped my night class to drive hours through the rain to visit one of my best friends, Beth, just for dinner. Another Monday late at night I convinced my friends to jump into Cayuga Lake even though the temperature was close to freezing. On the weekends all I wanted to do was get so drunk my mind wasn’t consumed with everything. Only you can heal yourself, but looking back, I’m pretty sure the only way I got through those months were through the help of my friends.

That January I took off for a semester in Australia. I decided to go alone, but met some really awesome people along the way. I went skydiving over the beaches of Australia’s east coast and went bungee jumping in Queenstown, New Zealand, adventure capital of the world. I experienced the culture in Indonesia and made it to the islands of Fiji.

The following fall I received an internship with the NBA team, the Charlotte Hornets. Instead of spending my last fall semester in Ithaca with my best friends, I lived in an extended stay Residence Inn in Charlotte, NC. That semester I gained a lot of experience in the industry. I met a lot of people, too, including Michael Jordan himself.

In May 2016 I graduated from Ithaca College and accepted a job at IMG Academy, in Southwest Florida. By now I was use to packing my bags.

There are moments in your life where you can even surprise yourself, and after about 8 months working at IMG Academy I had one of those moments. I received a call from the Charlotte Hornets with a job offer working in the department I had interned in. Honestly, I cried tears of happiness that day because I couldn’t believe the NBA wanted me back..and on payroll. It was my dream come true..working for the NBA. All of my hard work had finally paid off. It was a no brainer, right?

March 2017 I respectively declined the position with the Charlotte Hornets. During that decision making process I learned more about myself than I ever had before. I learned how much I value my quality of life. And for that, I thank Liz.

7 months later, I quit my desk job at IMG Academy with no job lined up, no plan for “what’s next”. I couldn’t take the routine of sitting in a cubicle for 8 hours a day 5 days a week, with no flexibility and virtually no say in how I felt. After turning down a dream job a few months back, I wasn’t really sure what I was working for anymore if that makes sense. I contemplated going back to Australia, but I knew a destination could only keep me happy for so long.

Fast forward exactly one year later since I quit my job at IMG. Yes, I put my 2 weeks notice in on October 12, 2017. And now I’m working remotely..mainly out of Panera Breads in Sarasota, Florida. I’m able to travel for work and pleasure. I’m able to go for a sunset run on the beach Monday’s after work. I have cut ties with people that do not support me, and surround myself with those who fan my flames.

I am no longer chasing a job title, a person’s attention or my next destination. Each and every day I wake up excited for the simple fact that I am able to live.

During this time every year Liz subconsciously floods my mind. I feel more spontaneous than usual.. less thinking, more doing. I have very vivid dreams of her, and in almost all of them I am aware of the accident and I try to explain it to her.

Simply put, life is weird. But 4 years ago my brain was rewired to look at it differently than I did previously. I was forced to look at life with a different perspective. I guess it gave me the outlook of seeing the “bigger picture.” Who actually cares about your job title? Are you happy at this very moment? Are you living the life you want? Are you proud of the person you are and values you uphold? I don’t get stressed out much. I honestly can’t tell you the last time I felt stressed. I don’t dread Mondays. What do I care about most? My relationships with other people. My siblings, my parents, my best friends, my boss. Very rarely am I upset and angry with someone. Life is too short to hold grudges and be mad. I am 100% committed and invested in myself. As I get older and become more independent, I realize that I am the only one that can make sure I’m happy.

You are in control of your own destiny. Your happiness lies in your own hands. Never settle. Not for a job, a relationship or a destination. If your life was to end tomorrow, how much of your life could you say you had lived?

Everyone has their own story, but mine starts with you, Liz.