Selfish probably isn’t a word you’d hear my close friends and family use to describe me. But reflecting on the past several years, it’s how I look at the way I’ve lived my life.
I think my selfish years started in college. Sophomore/junior year. After I tore my ACL and was cut from playing basketball..I became unapologetically care free. With my weekends, school work, social life. I was just having fun. Junior year, 2 of my best friends went abroad together to Australia, but I was so persistent on going alone. That was the first time I really remember being selfish. Coming off a really rough semester, I got on a 17 hour plane ride. From Dallas, Texas to Sydney, Australia. Basic economy. Middle seat. between two strangers. I didn’t even blink. I was so excited..nothing phased me.
Not many people know, but that semester abroad my grandma passed away. That was tough. I remember waking up in a hostel with a bunch of text messages and missed calls. It hurt that I couldn’t be there for the services. To support my dad or get any closure. My grandma was hesitant on me going to Australia. She told me before I left that it was just a long time to be that far. I didn’t care, I went. And by the time I was home in May it was all just a memory.
Ever since I was little I was infatuated by the beach. The only beach I had been to before I went to Australia was Wildwood, NJ. The sunshine. The sand. The saltwater. I was obsessed. I would draw pictures of the ocean and tell everyone that one day I was going to live near the most beautiful beaches and never endure another winter again.
After going abroad I spent most of my summer at Ithaca partying with my friends. Fall semester senior year I lived alone in an extended stay in Charlotte, NC and worked my butt off. After that, I enjoyed my last few months of college and about a week after graduating I moved down to Florida. Not many people understood, but I was happy doing my own thing. I really enjoyed working during the day and spending almost every single night at the beach. I was truly living my dream.
I think it’s important to have selfish years. And when I say selfish years I don’t mean losing touch, not answering phone calls. I mean – doing every single thing you want to do and letting no one/thing stop you. When I found cheap flights to LA, I asked my friends and family to come with me but no one could..I went anyways. The following year I did the same thing and planned my own solo trip to Oregon. I looked forward to it. I really have become an expert on being alone.
I have seen hundreds of sunsets. I have driven thousands of miles exploring Florida. I have trained for a handful of marathons. I have taken myself on cross country trips. I have quit 2 jobs. I have moved 4 times.
The sky is always blue. Did you know that? Whether you can see it, or not- the sky doesn’t change its color. Maybe it’s cloudy, maybe it’s snowy and maybe even the sun is blazing down warming your skin. I’m starting to realize it’s all how you look at it. Perspective. I’ve caught myself lately noticing the clouds down in South Florida more and more. Envying the foliage and chilly fall days most of you experience up north.
I have a theory I go back to when I reflect on the past few months, year(s)..and it’s that not every year is a final four year. When I say that I mean – sometimes your life is on absolute fire. I felt that for a while. It’s like for a few years you know you’re headed to the tournament, and other years are your rebuilding years. Maybe you just graduated a few of your best players – and now you’re working with freshmen and sophomores to build their confidence on the court. Those rebuilding years are tough. Not a lot of people notice them. They’re not shown off on social media. They are you working hard in silence. And I’ve come to respect, admire and appreciate more people that keep quiet, than blast their lives on social media.
I miss my family. I really, really do. Not even the holidays- it’s those random Snapchat’s I get on a Tuesday of my siblings together. I miss my best friends. The friends I know that when I’m 80 years old, I’ll still be friends with. I’m lucky they still love me after being gone all these years. I miss my grandparents. And I realize how extremely lucky I have two of them still around.
I know many of you will disagree with me, but one of the biggest lessons my selfish years have taught me is that happiness is not a destination. The past 3.5 years my happiest times involve the moments spent with my loved ones. The memories I’ve created for myself in between are not to discredit – for those have made me who I am. But I’m telling you- nothing, absolutely nothing, is more fulfilling to me than time spent with people that mean the most to me.
It’s been a struggle inside of me coming to terms that my dreams are changing. But instead of feeling like such a failure – why don’t I just own it? I did it. I have lived my dream. My 10 year old self would be so proud of me. I never hesitated, lived this lifestyle to the fullest and enjoyed every second.
Not many people know this but I wrote the above about 2 months ago and oddly enough I was laid off from my job a few weeks after that. My roommate/coworker/friend and I packed up our apartment and decided to leave Florida. It’s kind of weird how the universe works.
I’m turning 26 in a few days, I was laid off last month, I just moved back to my childhood home and I have no idea what I’m going to do next..but isn’t that the spice of life? How boring would life be if we actually knew how it would pan out? If our lives were one big track. Instead of getting discouraged, I’m doing my best to look at this situation as an opportunity at a fresh start. I’ve conquered my dream of my beach lifestyle. Laid back. Office free. Tan. Glorious sunshine.
It’s time for something new. I’m not sure what that is, or where that may be..but I know it’s coming. And I am actually really grateful to have this time at home during the month of December. Yeah, it’s cold out – but is there really any other place you’d rather be than home with your friends and family during the holidays?
I hope this inspires someone. I hope anyone that is going through their selfish years right now is enjoying every second, and I hope if anyone is hesitant about making that leap goes for it. I promise – you won’t regret it. Being alone and doing things alone, especially as a female, is extremely empowering. And realizing your dreams are changing, and making leaps of faith into unknown territory makes life exciting. It’s tough to embrace your “rebuilding” years, but keep in mind your time in the tournament and final four is coming.
Natalie Christina 